I never knew...

...I really didn't realize what was happening...for me...it hit me like a Class 5 Hurricane...by the time I realized how the death of my father was affecting me my marriage was in shambles...my heart was colder than an Antarctic winter...it was all I could do to understand my right from my left...



...I never knew how grief could affect someone...I could tell you the five stages of grief...I could recite them backwards and forwards...I could tell you about the lives I had watched pass before me...I could tell you about the "death cry"...the shrill cries I've heard time and time again...I could tell you about the loved ones I had lost and how it affected me...but until March 29th, 2006 I couldn't tell you how it felt to live it...truly live grief...it sounds like an oxymoron and in many ways it is...but for the last three years...it has been my struggle...my battle with life...



...I never knew how quickly life could change...not first hand...I never knew what it was to see your best friend and father laying lifeless on a hospital stretcher...I never knew what it was to watch my mother mourn the loss of her husband and best friend...to stand by as she rubbed his hand one last time...to stand by as she buried her head in my chest and just sobbed...



...Today is a new day...for me...the most important thing about my past...is not that I learn from my mistakes...nor is it that I don't repeat my mistakes...the most important thing for me...today...is to convey what I experienced over these last three years...the ins and the outs...what I did right...what I did wrong...and what I would do differently...for me...I believe that if I can help one soul know what I didn't...if I can help one soul understand what they are feeling so that they don't have to live the turmoil that I have weathered...than it will have not been for naught...



...Today is the beginning of a story...about a young man who woke up one day not knowing that how he perceived the world would change time and time again...so much that he would become disoriented to the point of breaking...this is my story...and I hope you can find the peace that I have fought so hard for...in this world of chaos and suffering...I hope you can find peace...



jwcIII